Why?

I Just honestly can't figure this one out. I was out tongiht with a friend of mine who happened to be hilariously inclined. She tells jokes makes me laugh but I wouldn't fuck her with my worst enemy's penis. We drank some wine, chatted some, told stories and just generally had a great time. I get a few texts throughout the night, one from Danny "Dude your goggles came in!!" which I'm stoked for because I'm waiting on my gear to get here so I can start racing. One from LT "Take a sneaky pic of her! hahaha" which is awesome! And a few other randoms. Then I get a phone call from my X Wife. I ignore it because it would be super rude to answer a phone call in the middle of conversation with someone else. Besides, I've picked up every time she's called me in the past and to be honest, I'm super happy for her. She seems to be in a good place, less drama, making money, and happy. God Bless her for pulling through. I get a buzz that she left a voicemail. On my way home from my buddy's I decide to answer a few Txt's and listen to my voicemails (there's like 5 and I'm horrible at listening to them). The one the xwife sent starts off like she pocket dialed me, lots of rustling and stuff. All of a sudden, sort of muffled, yet clear enough to hear "Stop it and just fuck me". Its her voice. My heart sinks. It drops into my fuckin rectum. Thoughts of when she used to say that to me rush into my head. Thinking of going down on her until she cums and then getting inside her just all at once flood me. Like a fucking flash back. Not Afghanistan. Not Africa. Xwife. Fuck. I promptly call my bestie. She's on east coast time so she doesn't pick up. Next I call Danny. After the convo I feel slightly better. I am not over her. I love her. We were supposed to be. My heart aches, my body hurts, my brain is on fire, my muscles are tense and my anger is nowhere to be found. I have this hurt that goes beyond words, a hurt that is reserved for the lowest of low, for the damned to hell types that regret what they did but have to live with it for eternity. Pain. All I feel is fucking PAIN. WHY ME?? Damn. I can't sleep, won't sleep and starting tomorrow at 9am I'll be in cancer treatment until monday. 4 Days straight of chemo and gene therapy. God help the soon to be departed.

B