Biking

Chemo Day....1

Alright, so I'm sitting in the hospital waiting for the chemo to be administered. It takes about 4 days for the drip to do its thing. My day started like pretty much every other day....BORING. Hahah, I woke up at 6 because I had an amazing conversation last night with this girl I'll just call KOKC. We chatted and really seemed to hit it off, she definitely seemed to enjoy carrying some of the conversation. We talked for about an hour or so and to be honest it was a great relief to know that not all chicks are fucking crazy. She was really worried about not being able to wake up at 6am so I promised that I would call her and I did. She was pretty happy about it. I keep getting nervous and come off cocky and arrogant when I'm texting her and I'm totally stuck!

My day started over again at around 8am. You see, I was supposed to be here at the hospital at 9, but I told everyone I didn't have to be here until 12 noon if I so chose. I wanted to enjoy a little bit of my morning and be able to play some Operation Flashpoint: Red River. My family and I chatted for a bit, I played games, drank coffee and expressed to my kid sister my love for someone and how the world sometimes doesn't seem fair at the time, but everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for us all and I definitely see positive things in the future. Then I packed my shit up and headed out to the hospital with my kid sister riding shotgun. My parents were supposed to go on a trip 6 hours north into Wisconsin and considered cancelling due to the fact that my body is puss and I have cancer. I wouldn't allow it. I explained that it was MY wish that they go and have a good time up north. They reluctantly agreed and took off around the same time we did. Once at the hospital a very nice older mexican dude took my car for me, my sister and I proceeded to the proper floor and got into my room. NOT FAIR! My nurse is fucking gorgeous. Like drop dead. I would kill for her. Perfect attitude, sexy looks, and of course she's a nurse, duh! I'll try and score a date before she leaves at 7:30pm tonight.....christ I've got balls for this one haha, as in balls to try and take her on a date. Damnit. Ok, truth be told I just hate being alone. I'm the type that needs a companion to share adventures and things with. I have the most amazing bestie ever and trust me, I will probably end up kiling for her. The only thing that's missing is a sensual sexual type of relationship. If that happened, I'd be set haha. ugh, and I'll bet she'll read this, txt me "wtf?" to which I'll respond with something witty. Anyhow, the tech is even a hottie, I really got lucky as shit. All that aside, they seem to care at CDH. I might have a few visitors, but I don't think anyone planned on comming to visit me. That's fine, as much as I need my squad of male companions, I sometimes work better alone.

And as I wait I wonder what food my sister is gonna bring when she comes back to visit, who might stop by to say hello, and of course if my bestie is gonna snuggle with me on this super awesome hospital bed!! That's all for now shitbags, come back later!

OK it's now like 7:22 and time for an update while I jam out to Enya. What? Enya is for fags? fuck you and your face.....because I just did HAHAH ok enough. Shortly after posting the last bit I jumped off my bed and knocked out 5 sets of 50 pushups (very tough) and 5 sets of 35 situps. Then I ordered lunch.....fucking A I ended up with salmon, steamed rice, chicken pot pie and potato salad! SWEET!! I am not really ready for a relationship, but yet here I go seeking one out with people I never would have like just a few months ago. A beautiful nurse. Oh shit, NO! NO RELATIONSHIPS! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BESTIE PUTTIN ME IN CHECK!! ugh. she also failed and let me go on a date with a fattie. Oh and that will be discussed in a bit, don't you worry, so take ur man pleaseres off the mouse and keep reading for now. I find myself in an amazing crossroads. A few years ago I silently wept every time I thought about my Army. I had it all figured it out and made a few poor choices. I never learned that it was in my decision making that I have squandered away so much of my life so far. My family go put on a back burner while I waited to go back into the Army, never giving it a second thought that "this is my only family". It hurts to go back, but this is a great way to get this weight off. Maybe I'll take this down soon I'm not sure. I chased that dream until the dream woke me up, and since then I was stuck in this sort of dream awake state where I wasn't sure if I was awake or still dreaming. I hurt other people, I lost friends, I made new ones, I hurt, I stopped someone from hurting themselves tremendously, I started to gain my faith back, I believed in our great nation once again, I lost faith in myself, I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling pain, I tried to change, I changed, I changed back, I changed again, I hurt more people, I hurt myself, I hurt my family, I stopped and took a long look in the mirror. I realized how much I have changed. I realized how much I need to change and fix. I will NOT fail. One of my drill sergeants once told me when I found myself the last in formation on a forced march "Plass WTF!!" as I had started to reply he said ever so gently ''SHUT YOUR FUCKING COCKHOLSTER! PLASS YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE THE TOUGHEST MAN IN THIS COMPANY? YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO DIE, GET THE FUCK UP THERE" I finished first in the march. Thats another story in itself of course. I used to never quit until the job was done, until everything was satisfied. I stopped caring. Now I care again, I care about everyone around me, and everyone that has impacted my life. It sounds crazy but I'm ready to be reborn. Once I'm out of this I have my plan.

1)Move to SoCal

2)Get Invited to DH Racing events

3)Get sponsored

4)Use those earnings and pay my family for all they've endured

5)Help a few soldiers get the things and help they need after they're out

6)Start a business (gym or bike shop)

7)Survive

If there's one thing I've learned, it's to truly take nothing for granted. When I kick a stone I wonder how many times that stone has been kicked and where it has come from. Just as someone on the outside will look at me one day and say, "I wonder how he rose like a phoenix from the ashes and survived it all?" The Mantis is dead, the Phoenix has arrived. I will not fail.

Why?

I Just honestly can't figure this one out. I was out tongiht with a friend of mine who happened to be hilariously inclined. She tells jokes makes me laugh but I wouldn't fuck her with my worst enemy's penis. We drank some wine, chatted some, told stories and just generally had a great time. I get a few texts throughout the night, one from Danny "Dude your goggles came in!!" which I'm stoked for because I'm waiting on my gear to get here so I can start racing. One from LT "Take a sneaky pic of her! hahaha" which is awesome! And a few other randoms. Then I get a phone call from my X Wife. I ignore it because it would be super rude to answer a phone call in the middle of conversation with someone else. Besides, I've picked up every time she's called me in the past and to be honest, I'm super happy for her. She seems to be in a good place, less drama, making money, and happy. God Bless her for pulling through. I get a buzz that she left a voicemail. On my way home from my buddy's I decide to answer a few Txt's and listen to my voicemails (there's like 5 and I'm horrible at listening to them). The one the xwife sent starts off like she pocket dialed me, lots of rustling and stuff. All of a sudden, sort of muffled, yet clear enough to hear "Stop it and just fuck me". Its her voice. My heart sinks. It drops into my fuckin rectum. Thoughts of when she used to say that to me rush into my head. Thinking of going down on her until she cums and then getting inside her just all at once flood me. Like a fucking flash back. Not Afghanistan. Not Africa. Xwife. Fuck. I promptly call my bestie. She's on east coast time so she doesn't pick up. Next I call Danny. After the convo I feel slightly better. I am not over her. I love her. We were supposed to be. My heart aches, my body hurts, my brain is on fire, my muscles are tense and my anger is nowhere to be found. I have this hurt that goes beyond words, a hurt that is reserved for the lowest of low, for the damned to hell types that regret what they did but have to live with it for eternity. Pain. All I feel is fucking PAIN. WHY ME?? Damn. I can't sleep, won't sleep and starting tomorrow at 9am I'll be in cancer treatment until monday. 4 Days straight of chemo and gene therapy. God help the soon to be departed.

B

Day of accomplishment....I think?

Woke the fuck up to an awesome text, Titties. Great. Can life get anymore classy......why do people show me so much boob? Whatever the girl who sent it is pretty cool, I am in fact grabbing some wine and heading over to her condo tonight to have some dinner and a movie at her place. She's very intriguing. HOWEVER, I did meet her on a dating website. YES you bitches, another one. Oh what? Voice in the back of my head, did you just tell me I'm a fucking moron? WHY! Oh you're saying because the last OK CUPID date I went on I ended up marrying my now Ex Wife? Christ. I'll never learn. Well that's tonight. I mowed some lawns today with my pops, registered for SWAP because I'm a baller like that and dropped my sister off to get her hair did! Oh snap nugget! I'm about to get philosophical right in hizzy!! Coffee, Anti Depressants and boredom are really setting in....

Hello shitbags, lowlifes and CEO's. If there's one thing we all have in common, it is our love for humans. Not in the sense that stupid people due to poor choices remain below the poverty line shouldn't reproduce, but in the sense that there is in fact Love inside us all. Love is and will remain for eternity, a very multifaceted word. You can love inanimate objects, people, ideas and skill sets. What other word has accounted for more pain and suffering than love? What word has accounted for more success than love? Perhaps God or any form of the word in any language, however God is more singular and linked to a certain idea that us bipedal knuckle draggers, in our quest to explain the universe, have created this story or rather book of stories in many variations that explain both our exodus from pain to salvation, to the story of creation. You can find this linked to several post ice age civilizations, mainly in Mesopotamia. I Digress....

Love. I realized over the course of just a few weeks that I don't love just everyone. I love me. Because I have to live with who I am and the choices I make and regardless support myself in every way I must, therefore, love myself. I love my family. Without them, I would be much much much worse off. I'm not talking about my birth family, lord knows I'd be in jail or worse with their "guidance" . I love my friends. They protect me from me. They show me the meaning of fun. They accept me for me and of course boost my enormous ego much more than necessary by laughing at my jokes. And of course I would do anything for them as if they were family. I love my best friend. This, you broad foreheaded, unibrowed, limpdicks is what confounds me the most. I have never had a "best friend". I've always had several friends whom I would call my "bestie" or in Navyspeak "buttbuddy" or Armyspeak "Battle Buddy". More on that later. My bestie came from an unexpected source. And my bestie is of the opposite sex. WTF! I know, I'm just as surprised. I never expected that I could Love a woman without the same feeling as I get when I'm in a dating relationship. I love my bestie, because we have shared in so much pain already at 25 years old. We laugh, joke, play, and drink like best friends should. But just like any guy friend I've ever called Best Friend, we don't fuck. Because I don't fuck dudes. Hard. hahhaha, seriously though, I can finally say she makes me feel like a new person, like I don't have to worry and like who fucking cares just LIVE. I maintain my other best friends Danny, Justin, Joe, Tommy, Dave, Luke and Tom are in fact my best friends, but what separates them from her is they have a peginas, while she has a va j j. I spend a bunch of time with her during the week, where as everyone else works (OK not all that much time, but fuck you and the horse you rode in on!) we have fun at night! I'm sure she'll even read this but whatever. Its nice to be able to actually say without a doubt that I Love My Bestie.

B

Cancer Update

Well, Not good friends. This morning woke up early to cut lawns with my pops, we have a lot of fun together when we mow. We make fun of people walking down the street, clients and eachother. But only as a father and son can do! After a lawn we complete I realize my doctor appt is coming up fast and I have to go, he looked sad. I hate when he looks like that, I just wanna hang with him all day when i see that look in his eyes. fuck my life. I made some chicken and salad for lunch, and get on to the doc office. I read an article in Time about the founder of Facebook. Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant. When I see the doc, things suck, I have to start my new chemo that's pronounced ICE. It's 4 days in a row to get me loaded with chemo and is supposed to be the most effective way of dealing with cancer. After 2 cycles of this I'll end up with new bone marrow. Folks if that don't work, you will see my bucket list get posted and I shall commence my fight for freedom. Wish me luck, sorry this is short, i'm tired, upset and feeling like shit. Oh, my mom made amazing veggie pizza tonight that we ate with my sister. They just left so my sister could go to a youth group meeting and pool party in another town. I might hit up some Operation Flashpoint on my 360. I need to vent a little, or call my Battle Buddy Luke in Boston just to chat it out. We tlaked yesterday and it was amazing, i fucking love that guy. I'll be dropping back in more regularly, rest assured. Peace and Love homo's fight the good fight and I'll catch ya on the flip!

B

Friendship Day

Ok, sooooooo August 4th was AMAZING!!! My friend, who we will call McGoober, and I had a blast I would say. I was running around the house like a mad man about 1.5 hrs before I was supposed to be there to walk with her to the beach. Oh shit, I couldn't help think to myself "where are my keys, what if I'm late, I can't be late, I hate being late". And about an hour and some change later I was there. LATE. She didn't seem to mind. As I was sitting my my car across from the house she lives in currently, just jammin to music like I do, she walked up and scared the shit out of me, but as soon as I saw her I felt this amazing glow inside of me surface and sort of explode from the center of my belly to the rest of my body and just hang in the middle of my chest. She told me she was going to move her car and that she'd be back around in a minute. All of a sudden I got super anxious, nervous, and giddy. WTF BP!! I never get nervous, anxious, or giddy around friends....ok maybe giddy. She's a very important friend you see. She came around and in hilarious fashion produced a parking permit. Sweet. There was already a date on there and it was for yesterday. After powdering her nose, she asked for a pen. When we couldn't find one, she (like mcguiver) busted out her eye liner and used it to cover up the numbers and doctor it so it worked! well done McGoober....Well done!! We were walking towards the beach and mind you this place is like 3 blocks from the old Cabrini Green, and as i turn right there's like 50 black people, kids, old folks, men and women. I literally stop in my tracks and panic, looking for L thinking horrible thoughts but remaining cool on the outside. Rule #1 Always maintain your composure in all circumstances. So I noticed she was just about to cross the street, and after catching some of the racist hate filled glares of the tribal folk, I took the fuck off towards L and crossed the street with her. Unfortunately for you 3 people that will read this, I won't divulge our conversation. Although I will tell you it did in fact revolve around me talking about how I finally worked up the balls to kiss a chick in a club, and it was super amazingly liberating. I still harbor some feelings for my xwife, however day by day they dwindle. We made it to jimmy johns, grabbed some sick subs, while i carried the cooler, she carried her luggage....bag....whatever you slobs call those oversized purses. Seriously, wtf you shitbags? who invented those? Backpacks are so much more practical and leaves your arms open in case you should get mugged!! Duh! or a Fannie Pack. Those are super cool....if you're a gay. I digress. We move out to walgreens pick up some chips and beer after much dilibiration, she flirts with me some and i flirt back, it's more or less playful banter between platonic friends. I believe there is a cute mutual attraction going on, but at this point in our lives, we're both just so emotionally wrecked, raped, and beaten, a realtionship would prove too damaging. Baseless sex would probably even be a bad thing! Christ, I've turned soft, but I have to remain respectful regardless. Fuck you, yea i realize she's a sexy gal, but no I will never take advantage of a girl like that. Correction (says my buddy J) I won't do it again. We make our way to the beach and hillariously, some young cop in what looks like a fucking Ghostbuster onsie is staring at L. You knjow what i'm talking about. It's like a military rip off. it has POLICE on one side and their NAME on the other like name tapes, and it zips up the middle.....totally makes cops look like shitbags. Scrawny shitbags, or Fat shitbags. The ripped up good looking cops wear regular uniforms or have the words NARC on their shirts. Anyhow, i let her know of my observation and she's like "oo where! UGH! I need to stop being attracted to that uniform thing!" Duh girl, but lo and behold, in front of us a group of firemen walk. I burst out laughing! We have some awesome convo and make it to the beach through the park, talking about highschool and silly things that come to mind, and how much life sucks when it does a 180 without warning. Once at the beach we watch a straight up dodgeball tourney on some hockey rink, one team just gets demolished haha, fucking hilarious. We had fun watching that, then we went to the sand. Beer, Wine, Jimmy johns and 2 old style mugs. Eat Shit, that's awesome. I have a retard friend reading this while i type and hes telling me to add flair, get sexy, and embelish. I'm sorry fag candy, when you write you blog about how small your penis is and your affection for anal, you can embellish all you'd like, this is MY blog biatch! haha. yes. i. lolz'd. We lay out the blanket, watch the sunset over chicago, and talk, and eat and drink. This hands down, is the most heartfelt and amazingly realaxing night of my life. We chat some more and do some cartwheels. i rock at them. she rocks more, just ever so slightly much so because she was a gymnasty person. haha we tried some other crazy shit in the sand and ended up laying down in a heap, laughing! Heap as in she was over THERE and i'm laying HERE, make no mistake friends, my scabby cock is staying put around this one! We chat a bit longer and I walk her home. She walks too fast so i tell her to slow down and enjoy everything God put in front of us, or something to that effect. We talk about love, i tell her that i do in fact Love her, as a friend could only love a friend. She hops in my car and we chat about some crazy sexual shit. BDSM, whips, tying up, being tied up, just everything crazy. I start getting turned on, but just keep it to myself haha fuck, this shit is fun though, not everyday a girl actually opens up about stuff like that. I thing we really enjoyed eachother that night. She eventually leaves. She has become my best friend.

Loose ends tied...On to the next

So I had the most amazing weekend of my life! Well not "just" however that's what I'm saying so suck it! My best friend was in town and we just went super lazy and enjoyed eachothers company and played some video games and hung out. Friday last week we ended up driving up to his lakehouse and again hanging. But his brother came in from Denver with his fiancee and we had the best time of our lives! Momma kate cooked some of the most amazing food, Dan was an uber dick and we all laughed and enjoyed eachother 100%. Did a wine tasting and also visited the petroleum museum, which is a collection of amazing car artifacts and weird townies running the joint! Anyhow, leaving was really tough, i got so much love up there lolz

I haven't blogged in a while, however yesterday i finally ordered my new downhill bike that will be capable enough to use in the rocky socal terrain, but at the same time, hard enough for the midwest. http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/motobecane/fantomtrail_ds08.htm

Well, still waiting on a few doctors notes so i can return to work. Next on the line is the gym and then tonight i should have a pretty sweet time with a good friend of mine. She's in a similar spot in life and its good to know there isn't any sort of weird pressure or anything goofy or whacky going on . just gonna grab some chow and hit the beach maybe have some wine and enjoy the sand and water and sunset....i love being able to connect with my friends without worrying about getting punched in the face for it later haha